Personal Reflection December 2023

[heyitsharbor]

I'm trying to get back into journalling - and, frankly, doing it in a way that keeps me motivated with a nifty little display on a website (such as my neocities), but without the eyes on it if I were just using a social media platform.

Disclaimer: This is largely private in the sense that I don't actively share this with anyone. However, it's obviously not really private. If anyone who knows me is reading this? You're my friend. I love you. My mental health and how I write about it here is not a reflection of your friendship, nor is it a reflection of anything but my oft-uncontrollable feelings, and how I am trying to learn from, accept, and handle them so I can be a better friend and a healthier person. That being said, if you'd like to talk about something you've read here, you are welcome to.

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I've been struggling a lot with mental health lately - most notably emotional regulation particularly in response to perceived rejection and, well, actual rejection. Mood swings and social avoidance, and now the upswing of.....being almost too positive and too happy and too 'up' around people.

I think what worries me in a way I hadn't realized before is that I'm seeing mood and emotional patterns - and the behavioral similarities - to people in my life whose very same have really hurt me, and I know have hurt others. I also know that what I'm dealing with - and have been - is hurting me and my own friends.

The cycle - and it's upsetting but honest to realize that it is a cycle, or at least has the potential to become one - is that somewhere along the way, I start feeling lonely, unliked, not good enough for the people I spend time with. Maybe this is because they're busy - because I'm not the absolute top priority (of course not!). Maybe it's because I really am not as close to some people as others, and the only people I happen to speak to for a while don't know me very well. Maybe it's because this all coincides with my struggling creatively - and feeling like my work isn't worth sharing.

So I don't. And I avoid people - and simultaneously, try desperately to engage them. It's a weird impossible dance where I feel lonely and also cannot bear to be around people. My attempts to talk to anyone are half-hearted because my desperation is clashing with self-defeating methods to, I assume...protect myself? I can't open up to people I'm convinced don't feel I'm worth their time.

It gets worse. I don't know how long this lasts - but usually until I can no longer bottle up. Unfortunately, what this means (or has meant) is a vent, public, and usually more intense than it would have been if I'd addressed this earlier. I still am in a state where it feels absolutely criminal - not to mention useless - to address someone, anyone, directly. At this point the feelings feel so much more universal that it feels not only unfair to address any particular person, but impractical. And, again.... not 'safe'.

What this means is I vent and I vent until someone sees it. And they talk to me. And then we talk. And then I feel better - and then, a bit later, I feel on top of the world.

But that's not a pattern that's healthy or fair, and it's changing that pattern - breaking out of the early, immediate avoidance that only gets harder to crack, that I hope to sincerely and effectively work on. It's not the only thing I need to do for my mental health - but it's a big one.